It has been a year since the marriage breakdown… a whole 12 months since Jim moved out of the family home. It has been a year since I embarked on life as a single parent and, despite having the best intentions to start with, I’ve realised I don’t want to play ‘happy families with the ex’… I’d like to keep him at arm’s length and concentrate on what makes me happy.
As we approach a new decade, I realise I started mine 12 months earlier. 2009 and 2019 were both pivotal years in my life. 2009, the relationship with Jim really started and we became parents together. 2019, I broke the ties with the relationship.
A new cycle began, and despite not being quite ready for it, I approached it with enthusiasm. The last 12 months have been enlightening and have shown me that, although I have my fair share of issues that need working through, I wasn’t the only reason my marriage ended up shipwrecked. My only regret is not keeping a detailed record of the days, and weeks, that lead up to the day and followed it.
I regret nothing about the end of the marriage, about the end to the suffocation I felt and the daily pain of living with someone I resented. Some days, I wonder if I even would have made it another year…
2019 for me, was a year of new beginnings.
A new relationship with C, a new interest in learning, a new enthusiasm for my work, a discovery of my love for the outdoors. I’m still me, just alive… (My 14-year-old has even called me ‘woke’, although I had to ask him to explain what he meant!) It culminated with the Winter Solstice. A day I spent with C, visiting a place that is close to both of us. A place we have a connection to in that runs much deeper than either of us can explain to others.
The time since the solstice hasn’t quite unfolded how I expected it to, in fact it’s brought up some rather unwanted emotions and patterns. They are, if nothing else, forcing me to take stock and really do some work on myself… something I’ve neglected over the last few weeks. One thing is here to stay and that’s trying to make the most of life as a single parent.