Just Me

Dear Nan…

19th April 2018

Nan,

Today marks a year since the greatest loss in my life to date and the most grief I have ever felt.  12 months since we said goodbye.  A year since I realised how ill you really were.  I knew but I didn’t believe that we would be separated so soon.

Nan, I get it.  I really do.  Your body didn’t need to fight anymore.  As much as I didn’t want to lose you.  I hated seeing you pain more.  You spent the last hours of your life surrounded by the people who love you.  I had the opportunity to hold your hand and give your beautiful face a kiss for the last time while your eyes were open and you were able to look at me.  And that means so so much.

Nan, I’m not going to lie, I was relieved when the nurse pronounced time of death.  I was devastated, utterly heartbroken, completely stunned.  But seeing your face after you passed away you looked like my Nan again.  The pain left your face, you looked beautiful.  I had never seen someone die before and I was scared, but looking at you through your last hours, knowing that you were uncomfortable I felt peace that leaving your pain behind was the right thing for you.

Yes, we wanted more time.  No, we didn’t want you to leave us.  But you were tired, you needed to rest.  You needed a break from the immense pain you experienced every moment. We didn’t realise it at the time, Nan, but we knew you needed the break. 

Nan, I know I didn’t participate in the funeral arrangements.  I know I didn’t get involved but I didn’t know what I could do.  I immersed myself in our babies and sorted things out for them.  In my mind though, there was no alternative than to bring them to your funeral.  You were as much a part of their life as you were mine.  Besides, in my mind, funerals are a celebration of a life lived…  they are a place for grief and joy to meet.  Grief that we will no longer get to make more of the memories that bring us joy. 

Nan, it’s been a year.  In that year, so much has happened.  So much I know you would have loved to have been a part of.. 

  • Anwen arrived and I firmly believe you played a part in her safe arrival.  I firmly believe that you sit by her side and keep an eye on her.  You would love her though, she’s another Seren.  In fact, she could be Seren’s twin. 
  • Enfys learned to walk.  I know how proud of that you would have been.  Garreth says she has your hair… we all say that she has your look when she’s unimpressed.  I think she’s beginning to recognise you in a photograph – she does love Pappy T though, and your owls. 
  • Macsen, oh what can I say about him?  It’s been tough with him.  He didn’t settle well into Nursery initially but after a year he seems to be making progress. His speech is coming on too… oh he’d make you laugh. 
  • Seren is still as gorgeous as ever.  I would say she was the one who was hit hardest.  She thinks about you regularly and we talk about you all the time.  She’s back horse riding again and loving every second of it.
  • Garreth is growing up too quickly.  He’ll be 13 soon.  Can you believe it?  I can’t.  It’s crazy, he’ll be thinking about his G.C.S.E. options this time next year.  I hope I can guide him in the right direction.

Nan, I know that it has been a year.  This is the last first.  I love that phrase at the moment.  We’ve celebrated all our birthdays without you; we’ve had your first wedding anniversary without you; the first Christmas, Mother’s Day, Easter.  Officially, the last first is the anniversary of your death…  7.32pm on Wednesday 19th April 2017.  It’s now 8pm on Thursday 19th April 2018. 

Nan, we will continue to love you forever and we know that you will continue to be around us.  I know you are as much a part of me as Mam is. I carry parts of you around in my body without even realising it. 

I love you forever and always… we all love you.

xxx

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18 Comments

  • Reply
    Tanya
    24th April 2018 at 7:33 am

    What a beautiful post to your Nan. I’m so sorry for your loss but what a lovely tribute to her. I lost my Grandad a few years back and whilst it’s a devastating moment it’s nice to know they are no longer in any pain and I love looking back over fond memories and laughing with my family at old photos and moments we had together

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:48 pm

      I’m with you on that. While it is hard because we don’t get to keep them… them not being in pain is more important. 🙂

  • Reply
    Bryanna Skye
    24th April 2018 at 12:03 am

    I am so sorry for your loss – it’s never easy losing a loved one and the healing process is long. Sending positive thoughts your way x

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:49 pm

      Thank you. Grief isn’t something that just disappears, is it? It is definitely a long road.

  • Reply
    Yeah Lifestyle
    23rd April 2018 at 1:42 pm

    So sorry for the loss of your Nan, Although its been a year I am sure you are missing her very much and this is a fabulous way for you to celebrate her life by sharing about her. So beautiful.

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:50 pm

      Thank you. I do still miss her terribly but it is far nicer to remember our wonderful memories with a smile.

  • Reply
    Anosa
    22nd April 2018 at 11:18 pm

    Loss is never easy and moving on seems impossible at times, its nice to cherish the memory. What a lovely letter you’ve written

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:52 pm

      Thank you. I’m really hoping that this time next year it’ll be easier to remember the good times than it is now.

  • Reply
    Sarah
    22nd April 2018 at 10:13 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, but she sounds like an amazing woman who brought so much joy to you and your family. I’ve lost 3 out of 4 of my grandparents, and it’s so hard.

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:53 pm

      She did bring so much joy to us all. She was such a wonderful woman with an incredible sense of humour. 🙂

  • Reply
    Eva Katona
    22nd April 2018 at 8:11 pm

    Sorry for your loss. I remember when my grandma died and it was really hard for a long time. For us, grandchildren, grandparents are incredibly important, all the childhood memories, the fun we had together. But lucky us! We have all these beautiful memories so cherish and remember.

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:54 pm

      Thank you. Our grandparents are important. I practically lived with mine growing up. Losing Nan was always going to be the hardest thing for me to do. 🙁

  • Reply
    Kara
    22nd April 2018 at 5:55 pm

    A beautiful post and so sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was an amazing woman

    • Reply
      Beth Davidson
      28th April 2018 at 12:56 pm

      Thank you! She was and still is so important to me.

  • Reply
    michelle twin mum
    21st April 2018 at 11:19 pm

    A lovely post Beth remembering someone who was obviously so dearly loved. Like you say, she is pain free now. Mich x

  • Reply
    Rebecca | AAUBlog
    21st April 2018 at 2:22 pm

    so hard when a new baby comes but there isn’t everyone there to meet them – so lovely that you felt close to your nan at that time

  • Reply
    Hannah Swancott
    21st April 2018 at 8:51 am

    Oh that’s so sad, but such a lovely way to be close to her and let her know how you’re all getting on. So sweet xx

  • Reply
    Sylvia Happiness
    20th April 2018 at 10:30 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss Beth! It is an amazing tribute to your Nan and I’m sure she is watching over you – it’s so hard to say goodbye to the people we love especially when we know they are in pain and the best thing to do is to let them go it’s still incredibly hard!

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