Dear Staff Nurse – A Letter to the One I spoke to Tonight…

Dear Staff Nurse – A Letter to the One I spoke to Tonight…

Dear Staff Nurse,

You just asked if I could come in more… Dedicate more time to my daughter who hasn’t left the ward for 6 weeks.  You tried to explain that it’s hard when you’re busy to give her the attention she needs.  But your question, to a broken Mummy, sounded more like an accusation. 

I am broken.  Broken through trying to be everything to everyone.  Broken because I feel so guilty.  Broken to the point where I always feel tired, my hair is falling out and I can’t control my mood. 

Rainbow's SmileMy baby has been under your care for 6 weeks; 6 weeks I’ve been driving a 50 mile round trip on a daily basis. 

My husband works shifts; he needs to work these shifts to pay for the daily 50 mile round trips; the car I travel in; the fuel I use; I’m sure you are aware how much it all costs.

I have 3 other children; oh, how I wish I didn’t at the moment.  I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old who need to be taken to school and picked up; I have a toddler who has a snotty cold (and by bringing him in I’d not only be putting my own baby at risk but the other cardiac and renal patients on the ward); I have a home to keep ticking over (making sure there is food in the cupboards to eat and clean clothes to wear.

I understand that you didn’t mean it; but I already feel like I am failing.  My head is barely above water as it is.  Being on the end of the phone made it more impersonal and more of a criticism.  I don’t want to be down the hospital anymore. 

I want to be there for my baby.  But I’m trying to cope in whichever way I can.  You were on the receiving end of my anger tonight.  You hit a raw nerve… You caused my guilt to surface.

I appreciate everything you do for my baby on a daily basis… but please understand it isn’t that I don’t want to be there, I’m just trying to keep my head above the water.

The Broken Mummy