PND – It isn’t an easy journey

PND – It isn’t an easy journey

When I found out I was expecting again my immediate thought was the fear of PND again. 

I still wasn’t fully myself after Comma, after all he was only 9 months old.  It had only been 5 months since I had admitted I had PND. 

Rainbow BabyAs my pregnancy progressed I had up days and down days but most of them were up.  I began to eagerly anticipate the arrival of our new baby. 

I thought I had a few weeks left to make the most of Comma, being pregnant and sleep. 

Then bam, my waters break 13 days before my due date and my hopes of a lovely homebirth disappear.

The second bam, I end up in theatre having a section because I thought I was losing my baby.

The third strike happened when she refused to breast feed.

The fourth was a Congenital Heart Defect. 

It took me weeks to wake up to the reality… For the first week or so I ran on adrenaline.  I ran on shock, I kept going because I had no choice.  But, after coming out of hospital for the second time I started to fall back to the ground and it hurt. 

Suddenly, I realised that this baby was mine… she wasn’t born the same way as the others, but she was (and is) mine.  Suddenly, I realised that she would require more TLC than the others did… suddenly I realised that it could have been so much more; so much worse. 

I am struggling with PND again.  However, this time it’s because everything is out of my control.  I am writing from Paediatric High Dependency Unit, while Rainbow is on oxygen, IV fluids and SATS machines… things are very much not in my control and I don’t know how to deal with that.

I will get better again, but first I need to get my Rainbow better and back home with us… Then I can concentrate on me