When I found out I was expecting again my immediate thought was the fear of PND again.
I still wasn’t fully myself after Comma, after all he was only 9 months old. It had only been 5 months since I had admitted I had PND.
As my pregnancy progressed I had up days and down days but most of them were up. I began to eagerly anticipate the arrival of our new baby.
I thought I had a few weeks left to make the most of Comma, being pregnant and sleep.
Then bam, my waters break 13 days before my due date and my hopes of a lovely homebirth disappear.
The second bam, I end up in theatre having a section because I thought I was losing my baby.
The third strike happened when she refused to breast feed.
The fourth was a Congenital Heart Defect.
It took me weeks to wake up to the reality… For the first week or so I ran on adrenaline. I ran on shock, I kept going because I had no choice. But, after coming out of hospital for the second time I started to fall back to the ground and it hurt.
Suddenly, I realised that this baby was mine… she wasn’t born the same way as the others, but she was (and is) mine. Suddenly, I realised that she would require more TLC than the others did… suddenly I realised that it could have been so much more; so much worse.
I am struggling with PND again. However, this time it’s because everything is out of my control. I am writing from Paediatric High Dependency Unit, while Rainbow is on oxygen, IV fluids and SATS machines… things are very much not in my control and I don’t know how to deal with that.
I will get better again, but first I need to get my Rainbow better and back home with us… Then I can concentrate on me